or The State of the Union Meeting for Couples
Couples regularly avoid talking to each other about the important things. It usually leads to miscommunication, frustration and disconnection. There are many ways that they can have a regular relationship meeting, which the Gottman’s call the “State of the Union.” There are several other formats out there, but they have the same premise. By organizing a regular meeting, you avoid having arguments at times that you are not emotionally ready to discuss bigger issues.
Step 1: Set a Time that you are both likely to be as relaxed as can be and fully attentive to each other, without it being too late in the evening where you are potentially exhausted from the day. Friday afternoons seem to be the most popular choice.
Step 2: Have a shared agenda. The more that you can structure the meeting, the better it will likely go. When you first start having these meetings, it may feel like you have way too much to talk about, so you do have to prioritize the most important topic and be patient to discuss the rest.
Step 3: Start with Positive Sentiment to increase the chances of Positive Sentiment Override (PSO). This means say something complementary or kind about your partner. The Gottman’s recommend 5 things. This would be great, but not necessary, and sometimes feels artificial. Please use character traits, such as kind, compassionate, loving, etc., when doing so.
Step 4: Share a relationship win. Talk about something that went right recently. It helps to build upon success rather than analyze failures.
Step 5: This is the difficult step. Talk about an incident that did not go well. Without blame, explain how the situation made you feel, rather than state specific character traits that you partner has that led to the negative interaction. When you focus on this event as being a behavior that can change, rather than a personality trait that is more permanent, you are both going to be more accurate, more empathic and more attuned to each other’s mood and thoughts about approaching the situation. Don’t fall into the Criticism and Defensiveness Battle, you both lose that battle.
Step 6: Turn Towards each other and see how you can make each other feel more connected and loved in the near future and then commit to how you can do so. If you don’t think that you can do what they request, slowly process what may be getting in the way.
Step 7: Follow Through and make sure that you have another meeting where you remember what you discussed in this meeting. Some couples still feel loved and have butterflies decades into their relationship. If you follow this guide, you may eventually feel this way too.